The Professor of LULZ

OH LAWD, THE UNIVERSE IS SHATTERING AND TEETERING WHILE BEING RIPPED APART BY THE BLACKHOLE THAT IS KNOWN AS FACEBOOK. MY SOUL IS BEING SHREDDED AFTER IT'S BEEN STAPLED TO MY FACE.

The Meta Meter (TM) has been going haywire, and lately, the homoerotic level in San Francisco/LA has been at level orange. You know, more so than the gay pride that characterizes two cities known for men with impeccably groomed eyebrows. Men who wear Heelys unironically and glide around Facebook's Cafeteria (FBTM) with their lunchtrays like a pheasant trying to fly. In vain. In the middle of winter. Naked.

We are all going to die by the hands of this man-child's neckbeard. And the Hadron Collider being turned on soon. It will happen three weeks from now. Marcel Georgès Laverdet II, Esquire, Professor of LULZ (not to be confused with LOLS or LOLLERCOPTERS or ROFLWAFFLES), hath predicted our death and destruction.



I should never try to date anyone for the rest of my life and get myself to a nunnery ASAP. My fondness for spooning will be the end of me.

If I'm still alive in 3 weeks, it means that the Sun will totally explode and melt us all by week 4.

Karma's a bitch.

What Hath Anne Geddes Wrought?

"Shhh, baby, shhh."


Jesus tapdancing Christ. Never check your pending Facebook friend requests at 3 am while in the dark. Unless you like peeing your pants a teeny bit. Clearly, I have pissed God off with my writing exercise and now Satan wants me for his team. Small hooded agents of evil with piercing blue eyes are recruiting me to be their friend.

This decision would be made much easier if I had Harvey Dent's two-faced coin. Or if I were Helen Keller and didn't get the heebie-jeebies every time I saw Angelo's photo. A.G. initials = "Angel of God" right?

Wait.

It's coming to me.

A.G. = Anne Geddes. The universe knows I do nothing but poke fun of her children-as-vegetables-flowers-naked-on-pumpkins cracked-out photographs. Sure, my mother loved her work back in 1997, but I think Anne Geddes is starting to lose it. I know where I've seen our little demon Angelo. I can see it clearly now.




I'm going to Hell.


(But the writers of The Onion are going to throw me a Homecoming Dance when I get there.)

The Baywatcher

"Beyond its entertainment value, Baywatch has enriched and, in many ways, helped save lives." -- David Hasselhoff




It has certainly inspired Yusuf to change his diet, bulk up on muscle, and invest in incredibly stylish yet useful camouflage cargo shorts. Before he was caught mid-stride with newly-waxed and oiled pectoral muscles and clenched fists and a zest for life, he was corpulently obese and nicknamed Yusufabba the Hut by his frenemies. He had given up on his dreams of becoming the next American Idol after his girlfriend left him for a tricycle-riding moustached strongman from the traveling circus, and refused to leave the safety of his couch, preferring the company of Fluffernutter sandwiches with the crusts trimmed off and the occasional Scotch egg (hardboiled egg wrapped in sausage dunked in batter and deep fried) for dessert.

But that all changed when Yusuf watched "Heat Wave," episode 3 of Season 1 of Baywatch. Even though the TV reception was grainy and he had to hold the gigantic bunny ear antennas in place with his pudgy toes (his hands were occupied by Fluffernutters), Yusuf knew that the show was talking to his soul. Two people had become stuck in a drain that was rapidly filling with the incoming tide, and Mitch had to lead a rescue group out there before too late! Craig was under pressure from his bosses to decide whether or not he was going to be a lawyer or lifeguard for the rest of his life! Lifeguard or lawyer?! Compared to those dramatic situations, fat-assness was petty. Yusuf knew what he had to do.



He will run on the beach, wearing a sleeveless, unbuttoned hoodie, allowing it to flap gracefully in the wind. A soul patch (a recurring motif here in the land of FBFM) will adorn his chin, representing a new beginning. The necklace is just extra flair. And dammit, he will save lives. This is Baywatch: Turkey.

The Closet

I know, I know, I've been MIA and didn't give you any explanations. I'm sorry, really, I am. I was too busy getting propositioned by the Ghost of Tom Cruise's Past. A fluffy, tousled hair spectre whose pet peeves include running out of pomade, overly snug tighty-whiteys, female fans, and people who hate on $cientology. And couches that aren't bouncy enough.



"Why would I be familiar with The Closet? Isn't that M. Night Shyamalamadingdong's latest twist-with-a-twist?"

To Catch a Predator

Dear Chris Hansen,

You should really look into shredding your receipts and credit card statements a bit more thoroughly. Identity theft is rampant these days, and it appears that Mark DeFa[redacted] has been rifling through your shit. Also, he ransacked your closet and stretched out your suit. And I don't think you can toss it in the dryer and shrink it back to size. You should probably take a blacklight to that tie, come to think of it.


Why don't you take a seat over there?

But if you've been using me as pedophile bait for your show without telling me, now...that's just fucked up. I demand 15% of whatever assets are seized when you nab the perp. Mark DeFa[redacted] has no idea how old I am, but I appear 10 in my Facebook profile photo. His Sexy Streetwear and Couture isn't symbolic at all, it's just a ton of princess crown graphics in an abusive relationship with ugly fonts and frankly an assault to the eyes.

As for you, Mr. DeFa[redacted], I am wondering which of the tops in the collection come with a complimentary breast augmentation? All your models appear to have them.

Kind Regards,

FBFM

The Sensual Seduction

Disclaimer: The following is an IM conversation between my pending Facebook Friend here and his Ideal Woman (who may or may not exist). It is constructed entirely from my imagination. All characters, names and places used here are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. I have removed my Facebook Friend's last name to protect his privacy (I am assuming the second part is his middle name).

10:48 PM
FBHoodiePimp311: a/s/l, wanna cyber?i put on my level 7 mage hatbut it's actually all an illusion i castGlitTerYSpArKles: i fetch my unicorn from the stable & start to braid the unicorn's tail

FBHoodiePimp311: ooh yeah

10:49 PMwait....i have to go to the bathroom to take a dump

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn just pooped on you

it's sparkly

FBHoodiePimp311: but you are out of toilet paper

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn poop smells like jelly donutsFBHoodiePimp311: now i am stuck in your bathroom with poopy pants

GlitTerYSpArKles: i hand you a handkerchief woven from unicorn hair

10:50 PM FBHoodiePimp311: unicorn hair has the magical property that it can be used infinitely many times as tp

FBHoodiePimp311: i can also wear it as a hat

i emerge from the bathroom...but i light a candle before i leave

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn tp is also 100% biodegradeable

10:51 PM is the candle poop-scented?

FBHoodiePimp311: no, it is the scent of the legendery brown bald eagle that i summoned with my mages wand

GlitTerYSpArKles: oh

it makes the room smell like pancakes!

10:52 PM i hand you some handcuffs

they are made from sausage links, your fave

10:55 PM FBHoodiePimp311: alas it is too late and i have already eaten the sausages...and now my stomach is growling

11:00 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: i pour a gallon of canadian grade-b maple syrup over you (the quality stuff)

11:01 PM FBHoodiePimp311: i just lay there and unbuckle my belt...not because i'm taking off my pants but because the sausages are expanding in my belly

11:02 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: oh noes, that is because they were made out of rice-based packing peanuts that swell in water, not pork sausage filler

11:04 PM

GlitTerYSpArKles: i hand you your button

it popped off your pants

are you wearing a girdle?

11:05 PM FBHoodiePimp311: no, but i have a large rash that is shaped looks suspiciously like one

11:11 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: ... i don't have any goldbond in my medicine cabinet. instead, i hand you a tube of icing to put on your rash

11:15 PM FBHoodiePimp311: unfortunately i am allergic to aloe vera, and the lotion you gave me is causing my hands and legs to swell

GlitTerYSpArKles: i did not hand you lotion

you didn't tell me you were a hypochondriac

i guess you are allergic to betty crocker's vanilla icing and funfetti sprinkles

11:16 PM i try to distract you from the swelling by rooting around your belly button for lint

it will help me complete the recreation of my favorite painting, picasso's "guernica"

in lint form

FBHoodiePimp311: upon discovering this allergy to betty crocker vanilla icing, i am startled to see that my entire body continues to swell rapidly

my belly button disappears beneath folds of fat

11:17 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: fortunately for you, i have a portable liposuction machine in my vanity

it is shaped like hello kitty's head

i suck the extra fat out and store it in the freezer to make soap later, because the economy is in such a bad state

FBHoodiePimp311: that was close

FBHoodiePimp311: i was about to roll out the door in similar fashion to the blueberry girl in willy wonka

11:21 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: i also had a giant pin (push pin taped to a yardstick) to pop you with in case the lipo machine failed

11:24 PM FBHoodiePimp311: thank you, but my transformation from skinny to bulbous and back to skinny has left me exhausted

GlitTerYSpArKles: you can just lie there

it's okay, i won't be offended

11:26 PM FBHoodiePimp311: zzzzzzzzzzzz

The Appetite-Increaser

This is new. I've seen leaning, looping, lurching...but not perching. Forgive me, but I don't know what team you're rooting for -- U$C? McDonald's Special Ketchup & Mustard Team? Carl's Jr. Adidas Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger League? Your pose is so seductive and your soul patch is so enticing that I immediately put down my deep fried apple pie and consider adding you as a Facebook friend. We all know the color combination of red and yellow is proven to increase one's appetite. The plastic-coated flower print tablecloth is a nice accent.



"It's just a food baby, not a beer belly."

Let's talk about your head flair. It's like Goofy's ears mated with one of Grimace's Fry Kids. You know, these creatures:



And then promptly lost an ear because it was lopped off by a hooligan from the opposing sports team. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!