He comes from the grave, his body a home of worms and filth. No life in his eyes, no warmth of his skin, no beating of his breast. His soul, as empty and dark as the night sky. He laughs at the blade, spits at the arrow, for they will not harm his flesh. For eternity, he will walk the earth, smelling the sweet blood of the living, feasting upon the bones of the damned. Beware, for he is the living dead. -Obscure Hindu text, circa 1000 B.C.E.
I immediately consult Max Brooks' The Zombie Survival Guide. When dealing with a pending friend request from a zombie, assess how easy it would be to lop his head off should you ever meet in real life. I will certainly need both hands to do so. After evaluating the contents of my kitchen drawers, I decided that Crate & Barrel silicone spatulas and whisks would not be very effective against someone who has literally no nerve receptors and can't feel pain. And I'd like to keep my spatula use limited to frosting cakes and mixing waffle batters.
"What changes do occur are in the way this new, reanimated body is used by the now-infected brain. There is no way a zombie could fly unless the human it used to be could fly. The same goes for projecting force fields, teleportation, moving through solid objects, transforming into a wolf, breathing fire, or a variety of other mystical talents attributed to the walking dead."
So the only way Hakki could get here is by hopping on a plane or cruiseship. Good to know. But with the sagging US market economy at an all-time low and zombie Internet skills being at an all-time high, what's stopping them from booking cheap tickets on Orbitz for a coast-to-coast uprising? They can afford real estate!
Upon closer inspection (it's always good to know your enemy), I uncover a curious fact about my zombie. He's a she. Or she's a he. A shemale, if you will, or a shim. Someone's been taking testosterone supplements, because my zombie claims to be female.
Does this mean there are zombies out there who decide to switch teams after reanimation? Or is it more like Jurassic Park with the sex-changing frog genes? Are zombie trannies marginalized for their flamboyant clothing choices and cosmetic surgeries as RuPaul and Dolly Parton are here in the living world? Why would my zombie tranny resign herself/himself to the beginnings of an aggressive unibrow and molestache + beard combo?
Oh, and here is Hakki's American cousin, Rob. He's always grouchy in his pictures because it's super hard to juggle being undead and directing/producing so many shitty movies every year that go straight to DVD. It really wears on a zombie.
Anyone got a hockey stick I can borrow? Blades never need reloading.
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On second thought, my zombie could totally be a vampire soccer hooligan. Please advise.
