To Catch a Predator

Dear Chris Hansen,

You should really look into shredding your receipts and credit card statements a bit more thoroughly. Identity theft is rampant these days, and it appears that Mark DeFa[redacted] has been rifling through your shit. Also, he ransacked your closet and stretched out your suit. And I don't think you can toss it in the dryer and shrink it back to size. You should probably take a blacklight to that tie, come to think of it.


Why don't you take a seat over there?

But if you've been using me as pedophile bait for your show without telling me, now...that's just fucked up. I demand 15% of whatever assets are seized when you nab the perp. Mark DeFa[redacted] has no idea how old I am, but I appear 10 in my Facebook profile photo. His Sexy Streetwear and Couture isn't symbolic at all, it's just a ton of princess crown graphics in an abusive relationship with ugly fonts and frankly an assault to the eyes.

As for you, Mr. DeFa[redacted], I am wondering which of the tops in the collection come with a complimentary breast augmentation? All your models appear to have them.

Kind Regards,

FBFM

The Sensual Seduction

Disclaimer: The following is an IM conversation between my pending Facebook Friend here and his Ideal Woman (who may or may not exist). It is constructed entirely from my imagination. All characters, names and places used here are fictitious and are used herein for the purposes of comment, criticism, parody, pointing out political and/or social injustice or any other purpose through which humanity is held up to the ridicule it frequently deserves. Any similarity to real people, without parodic purpose, is a coincidence. I have removed my Facebook Friend's last name to protect his privacy (I am assuming the second part is his middle name).

10:48 PM
FBHoodiePimp311: a/s/l, wanna cyber?i put on my level 7 mage hatbut it's actually all an illusion i castGlitTerYSpArKles: i fetch my unicorn from the stable & start to braid the unicorn's tail

FBHoodiePimp311: ooh yeah

10:49 PMwait....i have to go to the bathroom to take a dump

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn just pooped on you

it's sparkly

FBHoodiePimp311: but you are out of toilet paper

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn poop smells like jelly donutsFBHoodiePimp311: now i am stuck in your bathroom with poopy pants

GlitTerYSpArKles: i hand you a handkerchief woven from unicorn hair

10:50 PM FBHoodiePimp311: unicorn hair has the magical property that it can be used infinitely many times as tp

FBHoodiePimp311: i can also wear it as a hat

i emerge from the bathroom...but i light a candle before i leave

GlitTerYSpArKles: unicorn tp is also 100% biodegradeable

10:51 PM is the candle poop-scented?

FBHoodiePimp311: no, it is the scent of the legendery brown bald eagle that i summoned with my mages wand

GlitTerYSpArKles: oh

it makes the room smell like pancakes!

10:52 PM i hand you some handcuffs

they are made from sausage links, your fave

10:55 PM FBHoodiePimp311: alas it is too late and i have already eaten the sausages...and now my stomach is growling

11:00 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: i pour a gallon of canadian grade-b maple syrup over you (the quality stuff)

11:01 PM FBHoodiePimp311: i just lay there and unbuckle my belt...not because i'm taking off my pants but because the sausages are expanding in my belly

11:02 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: oh noes, that is because they were made out of rice-based packing peanuts that swell in water, not pork sausage filler

11:04 PM

GlitTerYSpArKles: i hand you your button

it popped off your pants

are you wearing a girdle?

11:05 PM FBHoodiePimp311: no, but i have a large rash that is shaped looks suspiciously like one

11:11 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: ... i don't have any goldbond in my medicine cabinet. instead, i hand you a tube of icing to put on your rash

11:15 PM FBHoodiePimp311: unfortunately i am allergic to aloe vera, and the lotion you gave me is causing my hands and legs to swell

GlitTerYSpArKles: i did not hand you lotion

you didn't tell me you were a hypochondriac

i guess you are allergic to betty crocker's vanilla icing and funfetti sprinkles

11:16 PM i try to distract you from the swelling by rooting around your belly button for lint

it will help me complete the recreation of my favorite painting, picasso's "guernica"

in lint form

FBHoodiePimp311: upon discovering this allergy to betty crocker vanilla icing, i am startled to see that my entire body continues to swell rapidly

my belly button disappears beneath folds of fat

11:17 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: fortunately for you, i have a portable liposuction machine in my vanity

it is shaped like hello kitty's head

i suck the extra fat out and store it in the freezer to make soap later, because the economy is in such a bad state

FBHoodiePimp311: that was close

FBHoodiePimp311: i was about to roll out the door in similar fashion to the blueberry girl in willy wonka

11:21 PM GlitTerYSpArKles: i also had a giant pin (push pin taped to a yardstick) to pop you with in case the lipo machine failed

11:24 PM FBHoodiePimp311: thank you, but my transformation from skinny to bulbous and back to skinny has left me exhausted

GlitTerYSpArKles: you can just lie there

it's okay, i won't be offended

11:26 PM FBHoodiePimp311: zzzzzzzzzzzz

The Appetite-Increaser

This is new. I've seen leaning, looping, lurching...but not perching. Forgive me, but I don't know what team you're rooting for -- U$C? McDonald's Special Ketchup & Mustard Team? Carl's Jr. Adidas Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger League? Your pose is so seductive and your soul patch is so enticing that I immediately put down my deep fried apple pie and consider adding you as a Facebook friend. We all know the color combination of red and yellow is proven to increase one's appetite. The plastic-coated flower print tablecloth is a nice accent.



"It's just a food baby, not a beer belly."

Let's talk about your head flair. It's like Goofy's ears mated with one of Grimace's Fry Kids. You know, these creatures:



And then promptly lost an ear because it was lopped off by a hooligan from the opposing sports team. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!